I went back finally. I walked through Battery Park for the first time since I lost my memory there on 9/11.
I remember nothing from right after the first building fell around 9:30 a.m., until 1:30 p.m., when an emergency worker asked me if I needed help and I said I guessed I did. My dog, Sammy, and I were taken to a hospital in Jersey City via ferry and then an ambulance. When we got on the ferry, my brave, beautiful golden dog, who led me away from the disaster so confidently, crawled onto my lap and every fiber of his enormous body shook for the next twenty minutes. I never thought they’d let me bring a 90-pound Lab into the hospital, but when we got out of the ambulance, they were so happy to see survivors that they welcomed us with open arms and even gave Sammy sandwiches and ice cream.
“I’m ok,” I insisted. “Take care of the people who are hurt.” Late that night, we left the hospital to begin a complicated journey that included homelessness, mercury poisoning, a couple of bouts of “atypical pneumonia,” and three years of treatment for PTSD.
I’m fine almost all the time now. Still hyper-aware of sirens going by when nobody else seems to pay them any mind. Still dislike days when the sky is bright blue and completely cloudless. That’s a 9/11 sky. My eyes always seem to be drawn to clocks precisely at 9:11. Tonight, the time between 9:10 and 9:12 seemed like hours.
So when I went back to the park in July, I thought I’d remember more. But instead it was like a movie in slow motion, and it was surreal.
One memory came back last year – of how I got the woman’s slip that I carried with me for months. It floated into my outstretched hands as the wind brought it from a jumper. I’m sorry, so very sorry to that woman’s family. Because I couldn’t remember how I got it, and I eventually threw the slip away. I didn’t realize then that it might have had DNA that could have given her family closure.
Today, I’d like to honor that woman’s memory and send love to the people who miss her. I can’t remember, but I do understand.
Photo: 9/11 ghost lights, seen tonight, from Soho in a cloudy sky
On 9/11, for the boys
Reflecting on 9/11: Seven Years Later
BL Ochman | September 10, 2008 | Permanent Link | Comments (18) | TrackBack (
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BL
That was a beautiful post.
I had a ticket for the second plane that hit the towers, but 2 days before 9-11 I changed my date of departure. I feel so very lucky.
It’s luck that I wasn’t on that plane and that I was in my living room in Los Angeles watching the terrible events unfold. I had taken that same flight (same flight number, day of the week and time of day) for months flying Boston to LA. My mom was sick and I took the same flight month after month. Until that September.
My landlord knew I was always on that flight number and ran over to see if I was OK. Luckily I was there to say Hello.
Grace
I remember the anguish of being so far away when you and so many others were experiencing such anguish. To this day, my heart breaks for the people who were traumatized, who died, and who loved someone who died.
Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts, BL.
Very moving, BL. I read a story in the Sept 4th NY Times about researchers determining that for the brain, the act of remembering something generates brain patterns that match nearly identically the act of actually doing the thing being remembered. The act of remembering that day — or the parts that you can remember — is understanably traumatic. I know it is for me, and I merely watched it unfold on TV all day. Thank you for sharing this post.
Hi B.L. :D
Thanks for sharing.
I was wondering today (9/11 here in Oz) how you were doing. Good to see that there’s healing happening.
I never knew you lost your memory. I know how that feels — suffered total amnesia in 1988 and, like you, it was my mind’s way of coping and protecting.
Here’s wishing you continued recovery, and a speedy healing curve.
John
Hi B.L., Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us, and inspiring those still suffering that there is hope for the survivors. My thoughts are with you and best wishes for your continued recovery.
BL, loved the post and the pic. Thinking of you — and everyone impacted by 9/11…
Thank you all so much for your kind words and loving thoughts. It means a great deal to me.
B.L.,
Thank you for sharing… very moving piece.
Best wishes,
Dan
BL, thank you for the wonderful post. I can’t find the words, but my thoughts are with you and the rest of the NYC community.
BL,
I remember seeing you after coming back from London ( it was very surreal to be there and not in NY, watching as events unfolded on the BBC – it was like that city stood still, too) and visiting you in a couple of weird hotel spaces and helping with stuff and feeling helpless at the same time. Beautiful writing and sharing on this anniversary day. Glad you are with us my friend.
I write about 9/11 every year because i know there are a lot of other people, like Josh, who can’t find the words.
So many people have been so kind today and that has helped me enormously. Thank you!
Seven years later, I wish I could just say “enough already” and move on. Most days 9/11 is not so close to the surface, but it is never far away.
There are some sensory and visceral memories that I know I share with tens of thousands of other people who escaped with their lives seven years ago, and with the people who loved the ones who weren’t so lucky. I encourage you to share your experiences too.
Never forget.
Such a frightening, unbelievable day. Thanks for sharing your story. I can’t even imagine what you and many of those in NY/DC/Penn saw and heard. Thanking of all of you.
That was extraordinary. Thank you.
Wow…what a moving post. I certainly don’t have an experience that matches yours on that horrible day, but I do know how I felt when it happened and can only imagine what those who witnessed it firsthand had to go through. Thankm you for sharing this and it’s good to see people are healing. Slowly but surely..
I just read it again. And it’s still just as powerful. After I read it on the night of 9/10, I didn’t fall asleep until 5 am. The image of the slip meeting your outstretched hands was playing over and over in my head. It was too much. And it would NOT stop. Then I thought: If this is happening based on reading your story, what must it have been like to actually experience what you wrote? I simply c-a-n-n-o-t even imagine. You are strong beyond words, indeed.
You are also right: We should never forget.
And we should never give up on finding closure. Now matter how much it hurts.
People around the world are with you.
And so am I.
HUGS,
JP
JP – thank you so much. I can feel the hug from here. Amazed and honored that my words had so much impact.
I never asked you about or knew of your personal experience with 9/11. Thank you for sharing your story.
What a beautiful post, BL. Just read this and the Randy Newman one too. Great writing.